Crack for Kids!

I'm about to admit something that I've only told a few people.  This is something that I've held back, not out of possible embarrassment or shame but from the fact that it's something that has been difficult to face over the years.  Only recently have I come to terms (partially through a solution I've developed) with this sad, sad issue.

So what is it? You ask?

'Cereal Anxiety'

...you see, when I was a kid growing up my mother forbade my sister and I to have sugar or candy.

(Correction, we were allowed to buy chocolate etc one day of the week with out allowance (Sat).)

So with this rule, I've had to endure years of 'healthy' cereal in the mornings.  These include classic brands such as Puffed Wheat, Shredded Wheat, Wheatabix and various types of Porridge.

You might say, 'Sheesh, quit f*n whining.  That's a good Mother!'

Well you are right.  but...

...the aftermath of being oppressed like this has led me to find myself as an adult, pacing up and down the cereal isle in the grocery store for up to 20 min, wrestling with the demons of the past on which cereal to buy.

'WTF?' You say?

Well, ask any guy.  When you're a kid, cereal is a BIG DEAL.  Especially on weekend mornings with cartoons to watch.

In case you still don't get it, picture this...

It's 7:00am on a Saturday morning, I'm 10 years old, I'm up before everyone else in my batman pajamas.  I pour a nice big bowl of puffed wheat topped off with some tasty skim milk.

I carefully bring the bowl into the living room and try not spill milk on the coffee table.  I 'click' on the TV just in time for Hilarious House of Frankenstein. I situate myself on the sofa and the world is mine.    I own it. No school. Don't have to get dressed yet and two FULL hours of cartoons and cereal.

Life couldn't be more perfect right?

The show cuts to a fucking Frosted Flakes commercial.  Tony the Tiger is playing soccer with some kids that are happy as could be, hopped up on his sugar coated ambrosia!

I look down to my puffed wheat and my soul weeps.  It's getting soggy by the second.

I jump and run to the kitchen to find ANYTHING sweet to put on it.  Jam?  None.  Brown sugar?  Wait!  I remember my Mom had some brown sugar for something,  I search high and low and nothing.  I even climb up and look in the cupboard above the fridge.  Nope.

Suddenly, I find something deep in the recesses of a small pantry cupboard, waaaay at the back...

Honey!

Lord, God, Baby Bearded Jesus I find Honey!!!

I race with the honey to the living room and scoop out a large spoonful.  I plunge the spoon into the puffed wheat and skim milk and stir.

Now, if you've ever tried this, you'll know that Honey does NOT dissolve in milk.  No matter how many centuries or episodes of Scooby Doo you stir it for.

I look at the spoon in dismay and my heart sinks.  The honey has turned into a hard mass stuck to the spoon.    I turn my gaze to the TV as Captain Crunch sails a ship through an ocean of REAL MILK and AMAZING SUGARY CEREAL!  He smiles at me with pure evil in his heart.

I put the glob of honey and spoon in my mouth, 'Fuck you Captain Crunch'

so flash forward...

...to the present where I'm pacing up and down the cereal isle, a devil on one shoulder telling me I'm 'owed the sugar cereal'.  'I can now indulge myself'.  'Go ahead!  This is your time!'

On the other shoulder is an angel, telling me 'No! It's unhealthy, full of chemicals and I need to watch what I eat!' 'That crap is crack for kids!'

(I would now deviate into a discussion on fibre, but that's a story for another day)

To wrap this messed up blog post I'll say that I've managed to deal with this condition by compromising and buying 'semi' bad cereal and 'semi' good cereal and combine them

two semi negatives make a semi positive right?